Ten of Joan Rivers’ Better Quotes

In recent months, it seems, the news has been dominated by the Obituaries.

People die all the time, of course.  Life by its very nature implies Death.  But over the past 50 days or so, with the passing of Robin Williams, Lauren Bacall and – most recently – Joan Rivers, the Grim Reaper seems to have commanded even more than his usual amount of attention.

Regular readers of this blog (and I believe the 6 or 7 of you already know who you are) are familiar with my chosen format: conventional essays of an observational nature leavened with humorous quotations from celebrities — many of whom are renowned for their wit.

One of those quotes, posted a year ago close to Mothers’ Day, was from Joan Rivers.  If you use the search bar at the top of this page and search “Joan Rivers” you’ll find it soon enough.  I recently went back to update that post by inserting the year of her death into what had formerly been a blank space to denote that she was – at the time of the original posting – still living.

But Ms. Rivers’ talent generated more than just a few memorable quotes.

The Joan Rivers Show Check Presented to Miami Relief Fund

The lady’s fans, who appear to have been Legion, have been unstinting in their eulogies and a number of other quotes have surfaced.  A recent article published to the Web via Variety‘s own blog selected their own favorite Top Ten.  I thought they were each at least as good as the one I had selected more than a year ago.

So, with respect to both David Letterman and the most famous friend Heidi Abramowitz ever had, please enjoy (courtesy of Variety) Ten Quotes from Joan Rivers:

1. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
2. “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
3. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”
4. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
5. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
6. “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”
7. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
8. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
9. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
10. “When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonely.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce’s.”

Joan Rivers & Miss Piggy

— Joan Rivers, one of the definitive female stand-up comedians, writers, talk show hosts, directors and actors of the 20th Century (1933 — 2014)


About jaypochapin

Married adult human male, father, brother, son, writer, voiceover actor and humorist. Frequently funny, sometimes snarky, occasionally profound. Beatles, Stones, Who, Python, Firesign Theatre, Shakespeare, Bogart/Bacall, Marx Brothers, Alice Cooper and more besides. Have worked as many things: traffic reporter, disc jockey, newscaster, interviewer, producer, copywriter, voice over talent, teacher, emcee, housekeeper, janitor, uniformed security officer, bagel baker's assistant and more, but don't let the uniform fool you, baby! I ... AM ... THE WRITER!

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